My post on Thanksgiving, and your comments, got me thinking about other discoveries of adulthood. I think one of the grown-up lessons I’ve learned (albeit very, very slowly) over the years is the power of simply saying “no.”
I am a consensus-builder. If I feel strongly about something, I want with all my heart to convince people that I am right, that my idea or plan is a good one. I think I developed this instinct as a kid. When you’re 12 and you desperately want to attend a concert or buy a pair of wicked cool jeans you are positive you can’t live without, you live or die by whether your parents say “OK.” If they won’t drive you to the concert or give you the money for the jeans, you’re out of luck.
But here’s a secret of adulthood: most of the time, you can do what you want *even when other people don’t agree.* I made this shocking discovery at the age of 22, as I was preparing for a January trip to London to do research for my senior thesis, one that I had received departmental funding to pay for. This was the winter of 2003-2004. Great Britain was on high alert, and the news media was filled with stories about heightened security at London airports and in train stations. My parents, especially my mother, did not want me to go. My mom begged me to skip the trip, even promised to pay back my department for the money I’d be wasting by forfeiting my plane ticket, and offered to buy me a trip for spring break to go to London (assuming, of course, that she felt it was safe enough).
At first, I fought for my trip. I explained that I couldn’t possibly finish my thesis work if I put off my research until March. I pointed out that we’d also have to purchase a very expensive last-minute one-way ticket back to college (the ticket to London left from Denver but returned to North Carolina). I tried to argue that the high alert was a good thing, that the British government was being extra-cautious and an attack might be less likely as a result. But I didn’t get the answer I wanted; I never got them to say “you are right, canceling the trip would be expensive, inconvenient, and extremely damaging to your thesis project. We are overreacting and we agree you should go.”
So, finally, I said “no.” The issue was not up for debate. I was going to London, end of story.
And to my shock, it worked. They saw I was serious, they stopped arguing with me, and I went to London without incident.
When did you first say “no” to your parents, and have them take you seriously?
Coming in Part II: The power of “no” during wedding planning.
I’m sure I will say no to them eventually. Someday. Maybe. So far, I have not. Not even about buying new tires for my car when I knew my dad was wrong to only let me replace one (read: pay for) and I knew I should replace two tires at once, but I didn’t. I have noticed that instead of saying no, I have simply commenced to live my life without asking my parents if it is okay. For example, I do not ask for their permission to ride my bike in Baltimore City, because it would only end in worrying them.
However, I find myself agreeing with you about arguing with my in-laws over wedding planning stuff. I want to build consensus – I want them to agree with me, to see that I’m right – to understand that their opinion is ultimately disrespecting me, and us, and this day. i.e. when I said “I’m not so sure I need a bouquet” and his mom said, “yes you do.” like it wasn’t up for discussion. I then proceeded to discuss it. I didn’t just say, “well, you already got married” which I do with most other people. I feel like embracing the word “no” in wedding planning will offend my in laws. At some point, it seems like “no” can be such a steamroller…it’s distressing, really, because we should be able to say no, and have it not be offensive or like “screw you”, but it seems impossible!
Ellie, I think with wedding plans and family you usually do want to explain your reasoning for not going with their preferred option — I agree that shooting down your MIL by saying “no, we’re definitely not having bouquets” without explaining your choice would seem a bit cold! But at some point, you can only explain yourself so much, and if they’re still not on board I think it’s perfectly OK to say (kindly) “I know this wouldn’t have been your choice, but we have made the final decision and we are going with Option X.” Unfortunately, that usually doesn’t mean they’ll like your choice or be supportive of it, but if they think it’s set in stone, they might at least stop trying to change your mind!
I’ve always been one to say no to my parents, but I think when I got my way, regardless of their ‘permission’ was when I returned from a choir tour to Europe for a month. It has been huge convincing them to let me go (and raise the money) for that trip and I had spent a month basically governing my own schedule within the expectations of the tour. I got back from Europe, and told them I was taking a road trip to San Francisco with my boyfriend. It was not up for debate, and take the trip I did. I also told them I was moving out, early (for Marching Band Camp) and staying with my boyfriend until the dorms opened. And they were cool with it, or at least realized that they couldn’t stop me, and it would do no good to argue with me, just cause a fight.
I was a very contrary child/teenager, so ‘no’ and I have a long history! One of the earliest big victories I can remember is convincing my mom to let me quit band (she has strong ideas on music education) and join the track team.
You posted this at exactly the right time. I’m struggling with telling someone no. Harder when you tend to avoid conflict, though.
Ruth and Bookbag, you were smart to learn the “no” lesson early! Up until college I was pretty much convinced that parental disapproval was a leading cause of death in teenagers and young adults. (This makes it sound like my parents are tyrants. They’re not. I was just remarkably conflict-phobic.)
Julia, I think I know how you feel — I hate conflict, and the idea that someone might be mad at me is enough to reduce me to tears. Telling someone “no” when it’s not the answer they want is still really hard for me, even when I know I’m right.
I never really had big issues with my parents (that I remember – I am 46), but my husband and I have huge conflicts with his parents, who think we are horribly unreasonable for not spending the holidays with them. As in, we are “abandoning” them for not spending this Christmas with them.
My husband tries to reason with them — What if my mom felt the same way? Oh, but my family isn’t “close” is their answer.
We decided before we were married (last year) that he and I would spend holidays together in our home. Family was welcome to come here (pretty safe, as his parents don’t travel well), but we were not going to travel. He hasn’t exactly told him that in those words, but my husband has backed me 100% against his parents in every single conflict we have had (I would not have married him otherwise). So we have not said “no” to them, but we have acted it and held firm, despite the fallout.